Mastery or Mystery?
Back in the times when women were considered to encarnate “ the Goddess” we were taught the Blood Mysteries-
1) That women bleed on a cyclic basis, without a cut or wound.
2) That when they don’t, they are magically mixing the blood held within to form a new Being, a baby. And
3) Their blood can turn into milk, and is what feeds and sustains the baby in ways nothing else can. These “mysteries” now have scientific explanations, of course, and have shifted from the realms of sacred alchemy to those of anatomy and physiology. The postmodern mysteries seem to have found more mundane resolutions as well- “mysteries” like
1) Who is my unborn child? Is it a boy or a girl? ( ultrasound takes care of that) .
2) How does a baby know when to be born? What really initiates the birth process? ( Who cares? We can induce labor when we deem it fit from the ultrasounds.) and 3) Must I give birth in suffering and pain? ( of course not. That’s what epidurals and ces-areans are for) variations on that last one are:
“ How bad will it hurt? How long will I have to “take it?”.
Over the last several decades, different theories of Childbirth Education have fallen in and out of fashion, from Twilight sleep to Lamaze, from husband-coached to hypnobirthing, from consciousness raising to orgasmic. But the longer I teach, ( 27 years and counting) the more convinced I become that Childbirth preparation is really more an Initiation into the Mysteries. We cannot prepare, exactly, for something we don’t know what is going to be. And yet, we can prepare to be present at the Mystery, and to open our minds and bodies to the Unknown.
Earlier models of childbirth education have focused on “techniques “ to “cope” or “control” the pain (and fear) . Specific exercises, specific breathing for specific stages of labor. Couples came to believe if they had enough information, made informed choices and stated them clearly, and did the right things, they could have their baby “their way”.I think this was a disservice. For one thing, most childbirth classes usually devote only a class or two to postpartum. The main emphasis is on childbirth, and getting through it. If “getting through it” means acknowledging that birth is the gateway as in, the initiation to the rest of our lives – perhaps “going through it” is more apt? Having “been through” this Mystery Rite, we are transformed. The skills we learn about relaxing into the unknown, breathing slowly and deeply when tense or in pain, and the trust we can develop having babies grow inside us and then move out through us-.all of this we carry with us into the rest of our lives as parents.
William James, the philosopher, wrote almost a hundred years ago about there being two kinds of will. Will as in “ will power”, is most often applied to theories of childbirth preparation. The idea and conviction is to make things happen the way you want.
The other kind of will is as in “willingness”, the willingness to soften and to allow. To allow your baby to come out. Willing to be as present and relaxed as possible, in the face of the unknown.
Many couples ask “Where is the best place to have our baby? Home? Hospital? Birth center? And who is the best person to attend our birth? Doctor, midwife, certified nurse midwife, doula, ? “ Modern women search The internet, join the chat rooms, read the books, interview the prospects. It begins as an intellectual exercise.
The answer is simple. You. You, pregnant woman, are the most important person to attend your birth. If you are not able to be present, to be in the moment, breath by breath, contraction by contraction, then who is ?
Its hard to be present. Were not really used to it, to feeling our feelings without calling them “symptoms”, or “issues”, or to make judgements and strategies. Its hard to understand that pain and suffering don’t always go hand in hand.Suffering is one of many responses to pain. I think one of the biggest challenges and gifts of Childbirth education is to re-aquaint women with themselves both physiologically and spiritually.
Another is returning trust and respect for their true nature., as individuals, couples, and families. Preganancy, birth and parenting are such incredible reminders that “life wants to live” and it knows how. Recieveing and nurturing are ongoing, symbiotic parts of life itself, as is the ongoing process of releasing that which no longer serves us. For example, this includes the elements of carbon dioxide, of fear, and tension we are able to release with every exhalation.
We can teach the anatomy and physiology of labor and birth from a point of view of reverence. Reverence at how much the fetus knows as its cells multiply into feet, fingernails, all in the right place, at the right time. Reverence at how much the uterus knows as it prepares itself for the hard work of labor, by flexing its muscles with the Braxton Hicks contractions. Reverence that it’s the only muscle we cannot “exercise” ourselves by our own will. Reverence for the baby, dipping in its lovely spiral dance of flexion, descent, rotations, extension and so on—all babies all knowing the same dance, all by themselves. Reverence for the placenta, knowing when its job is done. Reverence for our breasts, making milk whether we understood how or not. We make milk by offering ourselves to our baby, and then , responding to the babies urgent sucking, we make milk by allowing it to “let down”. We are so goal oriented, bullet –pointed, info-mercialed . But the good stuff abounds, for free. And we know so much more than we allow.
Many couples come anxious to learn “ the exercises” and the puff puff breathing they see on t.v., I guess. I think childbirth preparation should be more about releasing old patterns that bind, rather than adding more to the “to do” list. However, there is one exercise I love to have copules practice. That is where mother and support person face one another, look each other in the eyes, and breath in slowly and deeply, and then breathing out, as slowly as possible. I tell the support person to “grab her by the eyes”, to truly connect as they share the air – the air that is nurturing their baby, the air that brings us to life. I ask them to share these deep breaths three to five breaths each morning upon waking, and before sleep each night. And I remind them that this connection, this deep peace, this affirming love through the eyes, is available for them during labor, when its scary, when its painful, when nobody knows what else to do. What I like best about this is that nine times out of ten, the couples can only manage one or two breaths before they start laughing. And I really value a good laugh when times are tough.
After twenty seven years teaching childbirth preparation classes, some things don’t change. We aren’t just preparing for the Big One Day of childbirth, we prepare for all the rest. Like the look on the exhausted, awestruck copules face as they cradle each other and their baby in their arms, and one or the other of them says : ” I thought I knew what true love was when I met my mate. But this— this is a whole new meaning to the word Love”
This is the real entry into the Divine Mystery, and it is only the beginning.
By-Alison Bastien